Filed under: Liam Gallagher, Pete Doherty | Tags: Liam Gallagher, NME, Noel Gallagher, Oasis, Seaward
Pete Doherty, out of rehab (again) and feeling well-rested and inspired, seeks out the Oasis brothers for a possible collaboration. After several calls to his local drug dealer (stupid muscle memory!) Doherty finally reaches the Gallagher compound…
(After what feels like interminable ringing, a disgruntled and barely sober Liam Gallagher answers.)
Pete: ‘Ey, Pete here. How’s things?
Liam: Whom? Pete, you said?
Pete: Er, yes. Pete. Pete Doherty. Libertines? Babyshambles?
Liam: Dunno no “Pete.” Are you a musician?
Pete: Yes, yes. Libertines and et cetera. Bit of a druggie.
Liam: Oy, you fancy yerself a druggie, eh?
Pete: A bit, a bit. Several rehab visits. Nothing’s really “taken,” though…
Liam: Pete… Pete…
Pete: Oh, and I’m banging Kate Moss.
Liam: Pete! Oy, I thought you was dead!
Pete: No such luck. Doctors are doing amazing things with hypos and electric paddle-things and whatnot. Couldn’t be relatively healthier, actually.
Liam: Ah. The doctors. They have their ways, those daft bastards.
Pete: I was wondering if you’d like to pop out to the studio and have a go at a couple of tracks…
Liam: For what? Some Oasis thing?
Pete: No, this would be for a Babyshambles track. I’m looking for some guest vocals.
Liam: Fook that! All music is cunts! Why should I play on your Baby thing when I am all of the Beatles here in Oasis?
Pete: Are you serious? When the fuck did you last put out something good?
Liam: It’s not about the fooking records. It’s about the music. You’ll never get cos yer not in Oasis.
Pete: I believe NME just listed me in the top 5 artists—
Liam: Fook NME! All press are cunts! I shit ‘em! Aaaarghhhhh!
(A pause while Liam rants and growls…)
Pete: Wait a minute… is this Liam?
Liam: Of course it’s fooking Liam. Who the fook did—
Pete: I was trying to get ahold of Noel. You know, the one who can actually write music?
Liam: Wot? Oy, you bastard! Have at you! Cunt!
(Lots of cursing and sounds of a struggle as Liam viciously attacks the phone.)
Pete: Hello? HELLO?
Liam: Cunts!… Oasis!… Fookin’ Beatles!!!
(Noel arrives to find his brother breathlessly swearing at the phone, which he has pinned to the ground.)
Noel: What’s all this then?
Liam: Some cunt is bad-mouthing Oasis.
Noel: Wot??!! Let me at ‘im!!!
(More sounds of a struggle as Noel aids Liam in viciously pummelling the receiver. Pete hangs up.)
Liam: Fook! Hit ‘im again!
Noel: Arsing cunthole!
(Phone continues to receive beating until the Gallagher brothers tire of this activity and opt to beat each other instead.)
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