Blow by Blow

Pete Doherty vs. 999
December 1, 2009, 3:31 am
Filed under: Pete Doherty, Phone Calls | Tags: , , ,
[Below lies the inspiration for this site. Coming from the unlikeliest of places: an emailed response. The light bulbs went on and here we are…]

Evening. 999 call centre.

Dispatcher looks at call ID display, sees name “Pete Doherty” and sighs heavily.

999: Well… It is a quiet night. Oh man, I know I’m gonna hate myself for this… (picks up) Yes, Pete?

Pete Doherty: What? Fuck. Kate? Uh. Wait. Who is this?

999: What is it now, Pete?

Pete: There’s a fucking giant octopus in me bloody loo. And me fucking bloody loo is covered in blood.

999: Okay, Pete. Sounds like you’re mixing your barbs with your amps again. Go to the fridge and get a beer. Maybe two. Knock them back, try and relax. Close your eyes. Remember that giant octopus tend to avoid bathrooms. They prefer the ocean. That should help you come down. It’s all cool, Pete.

Pete: What? Who the fuck is this??? How did you get my fucking number? (Slams down phone.)

Dispatcher sighs.

999: Wait for it…

Phone rings. Pete’s name comes up on call displayDispatcher picks up.

Pete: Where am I? I need help. 

999: Sorry, Pete. I’m on my break.

Dispatcher hangs up. Lights cigarette.

submitted by Alan Truitt


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Wonderful talk-down by the dispatcher. I may have personally recommended that he shoot the rest of the heroin in his house just to speed up the inevitable and save future headaches.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

The dispatcher may have gone as far as to have more heroin delivered just to speed up the process and aim for a fatality.

Not that I’ve got anything against Mssr. Doherty personally, at least not as long as I stay out of the 999 business.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

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