Blow by Blow

Jack White vs. Jason “Von Bondie”
December 1, 2009, 11:00 pm
Filed under: Jack White, Phone Calls | Tags: , , , ,

Late evening in Detroit. Jack White is seated in front of a roaring fire with two mastiffs at his. He fires up his favorite hand-carved pipe and dials up a familiar number. On a rotary phone.

Jason Stollsteimer: Hello?

Jack White: Hello. Is this Mr. Von Bondie?

Jason: (Pause.) This is Jason Stollsteimer.

Jack: Of the Detroit Von Bondies?

Jason: Of course, Jack. The “Detroit Von Bondies.”

Jack: Mr. Jason Von Bondie: I, Jack White of the Detroit White Stripes would like to formally challenge you to a duel.

Jason: Uh huh. A duel.

(Jason begins flipping through an old issue of Alternative Press.) 

Jack: I did, indeed, Mr. Von Bondie, sir. I expect you will meet my challenge?

Jason: By “meet your challenge,” do you mean “receive a sucker punch in a darkened club?”

Jack: Let me assure you of my complete sincerity. I am a gentleman. But a gentleman of action! I would expect that you will accept this honorably challenge and meet me at The Magic Stick in a fortnight. Will 9 PM do?

Jason: Let me pretend to check my calendar…

Jack: Excellent! Acceptable weapons are muzzle-loading pistols or Civil War-era sabers. Will this be a problem?

Jason: No. I’m sure I can pick something up at the nearest pawn shop.

Jack: I wouldn’t worry too much. You have several days to prepare. I shall meet you outside the Magic Stick at 9PM promptly. I shall be wearing my finest red-and-white jumpsuit and my most ridiculous moustache. I may also accessorize with a dandy cane.

(Jason tosses his magazine on table and begins checking what he has TiVo’d.)

Jack: My sister and wife, Meg White, will be present to document your tragic comeuppance. Since the unpleasantness, this is the only way to arouse her. In the unlikely event that you should defeat me in this duel, she will become your property. But methinks you shan’t.

Jason: Jack, can I talk you out of this?

Jack: Too late, sirrah! We have an appointment with destiny! Meg will accompany our epic battle with extraneous fills and off-tempo kickdrum. It shall truly be a night for the ages!

Jason: Right on. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll plan on being elsewhere that night…

Jack: I think you will find it near-impossible to deny your primal urges! My blood is surging through my loins even as we speak! I must take my leave now and speak tenderly to my sister and wife, Meg White. To revenge!

Jason: What the fucking fuck…

(Jack hangs up the phone with an unneeded flourish while Meg accompanies his affected pipe-smoking with some extraneous drum fills.)



9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

So, is this blog about people we can make fun of, because there are alot of folks to choose from out there?

Comment by fundamentaljelly

I’ve got to assume that the number of people that we can make fun of ranges from “a hell of a lot” to “nearly infinite.”

Hell, Pete Dougherty himself is probably six months of material. That man is a mess.

Thanks for the innaugural comment, FJ. Great to see you out past your bedtime.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Nothing better than a good donnybrook.

Any chance we might see:

The ghost of Tupac vs. the ghost of the notorious B.I.G.?

Madonna vs. the sands of time?

Brittany vs. the drive through speaker at McDonalds?

on a future fight card?

Comment by Donald Mills

Don, great to see you.

I’d like to believe the possibilities are endless, at least up until the libel suits begin.

Those are all fantastic suggestions, especially Britany vs. the complexity that is ordering fast food.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Your mind’s an amazing place.

Comment by Claire Collins

Thanks, Claire.

(I think you meant “profane.”)

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Wow, you do dialogue even better than I do dialogue and I do dialogue better than Tarantino now does dialogue which isn’t as good as it used to be. So you do dialogue better than post Pulp-Fiction Tarentino which is a lot like post-trans fat fast food french fries. That was hilarious to the nth degree. I too have some ideas for future showdowns.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

Wow, Scott. Thanks for the hefty compliment. Taratino must be rolling over in his grave.

Are you sure?

Tarantino should be rolling over in his grave.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

[…] was the precursor to many musical rivalries, including: Beatles vs. Rolling Stones, Blur vs. Oasis, Jack White vs. Jason Von Bondie and Pickle vs. Nickelback.  A "home composer" prepares to tear the music industry a new […]

Pingback by The History of Music Media Vol. 1 « Fancy Plans… and Pants to Match

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