Blow by Blow

Pete Doherty vs. Oasis
December 5, 2009, 10:00 pm
Filed under: Liam Gallagher, Pete Doherty | Tags: , , , ,
Pete Doherty, out of rehab (again) and feeling well-rested and inspired, seeks out the Oasis brothers for a possible collaboration. After several calls to his local drug dealer (stupid muscle memory!) Doherty finally reaches the Gallagher compound…

(After what feels like interminable ringing, a disgruntled and barely sober Liam Gallagher answers.)

Liam: Hullo?

Pete: ‘Ey, Pete here. How’s things?

Liam: Whom? Pete, you said?

Pete: Er, yes. Pete. Pete Doherty. Libertines? Babyshambles?

Liam: Dunno no “Pete.” Are you a musician?

Pete: Yes, yes. Libertines and et cetera. Bit of a druggie.

Liam: Oy, you fancy yerself a druggie, eh?

Pete: A bit, a bit. Several rehab visits. Nothing’s really “taken,” though…

Liam: Pete… Pete…

Pete: Oh, and I’m banging Kate Moss.

Liam: Pete! Oy, I thought you was dead!

Pete: No such luck. Doctors are doing amazing things with hypos and electric paddle-things and whatnot. Couldn’t be relatively healthier, actually.

Liam: Ah. The doctors. They have their ways, those daft bastards.

Pete: I was wondering if you’d like to pop out to the studio and have a go at a couple of tracks…

Liam: For what? Some Oasis thing?

Pete: No, this would be for a Babyshambles track. I’m looking for some guest vocals.

Liam: Fook that! All music is cunts! Why should I play on your Baby thing when I am all of the Beatles here in Oasis?

Pete: Are you serious? When the fuck did you last put out something good?

Liam: It’s not about the fooking records. It’s about the music. You’ll never get cos yer not in Oasis.

Pete: I believe NME just listed me in the top 5 artists—

Liam: Fook NME! All press are cunts! I shit ’em! Aaaarghhhhh!

(A pause while Liam rants and growls…)

Pete: Wait a minute… is this Liam?

Liam: Of course it’s fooking Liam. Who the fook did—

Pete: I was trying to get ahold of Noel. You know, the one who can actually write music?

Liam: Wot? Oy, you bastard! Have at you! Cunt!

(Lots of cursing and sounds of a struggle as Liam viciously attacks the phone.)

Pete: Hello? HELLO?

Liam: Cunts!… Oasis!… Fookin’ Beatles!!!

(Noel arrives to find his brother breathlessly swearing at the phone, which he has pinned to the ground.)

Noel: What’s all this then?

Liam: Some cunt is bad-mouthing Oasis.

Noel: Wot??!! Let me at ‘im!!!

(More sounds of a struggle as Noel aids Liam in viciously pummelling the receiver. Pete hangs up.)


Liam: Fook! Hit ‘im again!

Noel: Arsing cunthole!

(Phone continues to receive beating until the Gallagher brothers tire of this activity and opt to beat each other instead.)



5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That was brilliant, and you nailed those two dead in their over-inflated egos and clueless self abuse quite awesomely! I love what you’re doing over here. It’s like celebrity death match but with personality.

The fucked up thing is, if either one of them ever got ahold of this, they’d probably both believe that the conversation actually took place.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

Thanks, Scott.

I imagine you’re right. They all seem to suffer from a terrible combination of drug abuse and narcissism.


Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

I say, steady on old chap!

These young musician wallahs are only having a bit of a lark, what. You leave ’em to it – only young scallywags letting off a bit of steam on the old blower.

Who are these misspelt beetles that keep getting themselves referred to, anyhow? If they’re anything like those big black crunchy blighters that sometimes find their way into the summerhouse, I want nothing to do with ’em – ya hear me, sonny – nothing!

Keep up the good work.


Brigadier General A.J. Bartlett-Pear (ret’d)

Comment by NobblySan

General Nobbly, great to see you!

I have no idea what’s up with those “beetles.” I thought I had the proper spelling but I was hamfistedly strangling proper British slang throughout.

Thanks for not pointing out my limitations in my attempted vernacular.

Those boys will be all right. When it’s all said and done, they’ll be drinkng like old friends and doing coke off each others’ iPhones.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer


Comment by HanaPipers

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