Blow by Blow


Pete Doherty vs. Germany
December 10, 2009, 9:56 pm
Filed under: Pete Doherty | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Pete Doherty’s taking a much-needed vacation in Germany and spreading his worldview as only a drunken coke fiend can: by protesting Germany’s shortage of coke dealers through a combination of sweary words and pint glass hurling.

(Pete is drunk again and looking to score. [Note: author reserves right to quote Offspring lyrics parenthetically.] But who will provide the youngish tosser with the much-needed blow? What follows will bear an eerie resemblance to the heart-breaking narrative of P.D. Eastman’s classic “Are You My Mother?”)

.
Pardon me, good sir. Could you perhaps hook a brother up by recommending the nearest location at which to purchase and perhaps imbibe some high quality nose candy?
(Hurls pint glass to demonstrate sincerity.)

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I say, good chap, my friends and I were looking to ride the rails, if thou catcheth my drift. Wouldst thou happen to know if anyone in this establishment art holding?
(Verily, said pint glass is hurled with the strength of ten drunken men.)

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Far be it from me to presume, but would you or your lovely friend care to dance? While the DJ spins our request, I will gently grind on you and inquire furtively as to your stance on unisex restroom blowjobs and how much cocaine you might have on your person.
(Hurls pint glass into fireplace.)

Hey Joe/Where you goin’ with that glassine envelope in your hand?
(Hurls pint glass to free up both hands for “shooting his old lady now,” which I imagine is slang for heroin abuse.)

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Hi. I’m “Pistol” Pete Doherty. You might remember me from such hits as “Up the Bracket” and “Wot a Waster.” I’m here today as part of a plea bargain with the British judicial system to speak to you about my current lack of cocaine.
(Hurls pint glass as a metaphor for demolishing the “old” drunken and fiending Peter Doherty.)

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Ich bin ein Berliner in serious need of some fucking blow. I’d even settle for its ugly stepsister, crack.
(Hurls pint glass across former East/West Berlin checkpoint.)

Say, brother: can you spare a bump?
(Drops pint glass accidentally; recovers by making a lame “throwing” motion.)

-CLT

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I love this stuff. This is you all day. I linked to this blog with ‘best shit ever’ if you don’t want it as that I’ll change it.

Oh Pete and heroin and crack addiction. It’s just so amusing!

Comment by Scott Oglesby

I’m cool with “best shit ever.”

Thanks for the linkage. I’m sure Pete will continue to make many appearances here, until his untimely death, which won’t really be untimely unless he lives to like 50 or 60 years old, in which case we can all start up our bad habits again, as Pete will have proven that modern medicine is full of shite.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

“Hi. I’m “Pistol” Pete Doherty. You might remember me from such hits as “Up the Bracket” and “Wot a Waster.” I’m here today as part of a plea bargain with the British judicial system to speak to you about my current lack of cocaine.”

Love it, CLT. He’s like the junkie/burn-out version of Troy McClure.

I’d pay to see a few rounds of Pete Doherty vs. Amy Winehouse…

Comment by bschooled

Well, Troy was the inspiration and Pete was the druggie dipshit who was also the inspiration… I guess. That sentence sounded a lot better when I was still typing it.

Thanks for the visit, bschooled. Amy Winehouse is due for a good dustup. I’ll keep her in mind (and a minimum of 500 feet away).

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer




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