Blow by Blow


Pete Doherty vs. Coherence (& Higher Learning)
[As was noted earlier, the esteemed Jack White (of the equally esteemed Detroit Jack White Stripes) was awarded an honorary degree from Dublin’s Trinity College, which he accepted with affected Southern grace and a ridiculous moustache. He joined the likes of Newt Gingrich, guitarist The Edge of The U2 and of course, infamous cokehound, Pete Doherty.
Here is the attempted transcript of “Pistol” Pete Doherty’s acceptance speech.]

Last known photo of an upright Pete Doherty.

Pete: Thank you. Thank you.

(Waits for applause to die down, which it does surprisingly quickly, which in turns surprises Doherty, who stands silently for another couple of minutes like a smack-addled deer in the headlights. A nudge from a decorated Trinity alumni puts him back on task…)

Pete: Um… Well… It’s an honor to be nominated, of course… in of all categories “Heavy Metal.” Sorry to take the Mercury Prize from Jethro and his Tulls, but they are no more “metal” than my Aunt Fanny, innit?

(Briefly displays fanny, which means something completely different over in the U.K. Finding himself underequipped for a fanny display, Pete reverses course and briefly moons the crowd.)

Pete: Fuck Michael Jackson! Rule Britannia!

(As a smattering of restrained and academic boos rain down on Pete’s bowler, he staggers off stage right, only to be accosted by Trinity staffers, who indicate that he is supposed to stagger off stage left. He inquires as to whether they might have some cocaine. The crowd breaks into an a cappella rendition of “What a Waster”…)

-CLT

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Fuck Jethro and his Tulls indeed. I look forward to hearing more from everyone’s favorite junkie in the headlights.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

I’m sure he’s got many more adventures up his drug-addled sleeves. Not that he’ll be aware of them…

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Nice work. As a mick, I’ve been there done that with no publicity whatsoever, and less talent. Cheers, and thanks for the laughter!

Comment by Dan McGinley

Substance abuse and public drunkeness are truly universal languages. Who needs publicity when you can just draw attention to yourself with your antics?

Keep on the straight and narrow, Dan. It’s no fun but neither are apologies or lawsuits.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer




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