Blow by Blow


Chad P. Kroeger vs. the Wading Pool
January 3, 2010, 10:25 pm
Filed under: Chad Kroeger | Tags: , ,
[Due to a total lack of depth on his part, Chad (the P. stands for “Penis”) Kroeger often finds himself over his head. Whether he’s trying to come off as “above the negative press” or counting his money and mourning the loss of his soul, Chad (of the Canadian Nickelbacks) will nearly always find himself overwhelmed by the pressures of his very existence.
In this particular anecdote, Chad finds his musical talent and grotesque growling questioned by the nearest object deeper than he is: a child’s wading pool. Watch in shock and awe as Kroeger heads to the proverbial well more than once, only to find it patiently waiting to had his ass to him repeatedly.]

Note: this excellent piece of Chad-baiting prose comes to us courtesy of mostly-retired blogger Alan Truitt. This was stolen (with permission!) from one of his epic and monumental comment threads, the likes of which has not been seen since the last 2Girls1Cup reaction video.

Chad takes offense to something he thinks the Nikon has just said.

The scene: a breezy Canadian summer day, which is swiftly ruined by Chad’s Goofus-like behavior…

Chad: “I don’t like the way you look at me, man.”

The Pool: (Silence)

Chad: “What the fuck does that mean, man?”

The Pool: (Water laps softly)

Chad: “Right! You’re dead!”

(Chad jumps into the pool and bangs head and wrenches his shoulder. Humbled and soaking wet, he pulls himself out and glares at the pool.)

Chad: “This isn’t over, dude.”

The Pool: (Soft water lap sounds)

Chad: “Fuck you, man!”

(Chad dives in and starts flailing. Repeat scenario ad nauseam.)

-submitted (sort of) by Alan Truitt

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13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

That was awesome man, and I don’t even use that word. I myself got into a fight with the ocean once, but that fucker was way madder than any punk pool. And that fight’s not over either.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

Well, like Mom always said when she was “into her cups,”* “Always pick a fight with the biggest con in the yard. That way the other felons know you’re crazy.”
*0.12+ BAC

She always called it like she thought she saw it.

Good luck taking on 2/3’s of the earth’s surface, Scott.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Have you seen York Mills? Shit, he was here a couple of days ago (I was old man/half wit sitting for Don) and he just wandered off. He had mentioned your name (something about Eggo waffles ™ and hot chocolate with you and your family) and that was the last I saw of him.

While I don’t think his brother, Don, will be too upset, the fact is that York owes him money and Don does get much pleasure smacking York with piece of raw Canadian bacon. That said, if he’s at your place and you want to keep him for a week or so, that’s really cool.

Comment by alantru

I have not seen York, but I do have a hunch he’s been here. The TV was tuned to TV Land and the fridge door was wide open.

I also found an overturned lawn chair and what looks suspiciously like a urine spot in the hall closet.

Not only that, but I could swear I heard a muffled “Tee hee” the last time I headed into the shower. But that could have been me. The fan was on…

Great to see you, Alan, however briefly. Good luck hunting down that pesky York.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Whoever this sort of Alan Truitt is, he’s a genius.

Wading Pool- 1
Chad the Penis- 0

Comment by bschooled

That’s often been said of him, despite his new position as York’s caretaker.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Plus, I hear he’s stacked.

Comment by alantru

“was” stacked, you mean.

Comment by bschooled

Hah! How about “was sort of” stacked?

Comment by alantru

Where the Hell is my brother Truit? If he’s off buying leather pants again you’re in big trouble (and so are the rest of us).

p.s. everyone knows if you want to smack down a pool you just need to pee in it.

Comment by Donald Mills

He’s fine, Don.

Turns out he had gone out to buy platform boots to match his leather pants but instead of leaving by the front door, he walked into my hall closet.

Once in, he thought he had entered a rift in the space time continuum and had arrived on “the planet of cramped darkness.”

After his eyes adjusted and he saw all the coats around him, he got things sorted out and realized he had, in fact, arrived at “the planet of cramped space stuffed with coats.” (According to York, it’s somewhere near Orion.)

All I can is that it’s a good thing that I ran out of tequila and had to hit the liquor store.

When I found the poor guy he was pretty confused – more so than usual – and rather dehydrated. Anyway, I was so pleased to see him that I took him out for bratwurst and boilermakers. After a few of them, we went shopping for platform shoes and a new pair of leather pants (the other pair didn’t survive ‘the closet incident’).

It was a fun day.

I just dropped him off at your front door. He looks pretty pleased with his boots (they have more flames than any footwear Gene Simmons ever wore), and he is thrilled with his new black and super tight leather pants. He said they “really flatter my bulge.”) He’s not even bothered that they don’t fit up over his belly button. He’s just happy to look good. Oh, and a gut full of bratwurst and boilermakers doesn’t hurt either.

Comment by alantru

Brother Truitt is out somewhere, not posting anything on his blog.

Oh, never mind. There he is, picking up strays and dropping them off at the door. Elderly strays with leather pants and strange urination habits.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

It’s my idea of fun.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea. Just my idea.

Comment by alantru




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