Filed under: Legacy Acts, Phone Calls | Tags: Ram-Powered, Reuben, Swearing in Front of the Children
[This edition of Blow by Blow comes to you courtesy of the active mind and imprisoned body of Ram Venkataswaran. (I hope I’m spelling that correctly as the permanent hiatus has deleted it from our collective internet memory. Where’s your Google Cache now?
In any case, today’s clash features a washed-up former child star in a men’s washroom, a handful of exotic and illegal substances and a combative phone call to a manager who wishes he had majored in something other than Business Statistics and Bus Maintenance. Enjoy.]
(After concluding his 15 minute “gig” as opening act for the “Feathered Friends of Florida” exotic bird show at Chagoonga National Park, Keith Partridge returns to the men’s washroom that has been temporarily converted into a dressing room, huffs heavily from a small baggie and calls Dave Madden.)
Dave: Dave Madden.
Keith: Reuben, thank God I’ve reached you. It’s Keith.
Keith: Yes, Keith.
Dave: Who the Hell is this?
Keith: Keith, Keith Partridge.
Dave: (Under his breath) Fuck.
Keith: You need to get me out of this Florida gig, Reuben. You really messed up this time.
Dave: Keith, stop calling me Reuben. My name is Dave. And for the last time, I’m not your manager. I never was.
Keith: (growing incensed) You’re damned right you’re no manager. No manager worth a shit would book me in as an opening act to a damned peregrine falcon and a handful of cockatoos, parakeets and fucking macaws. Mom is not going to be happy about this. Reuben.
Dave: (exasperated) Keith. I didn’t book you into anything. If I was going to it would be the ‘Tigerbeat” home for fucked up former teen idols. You and Leif Garret could share a room. And for the record, your mother was never happy. She was the most difficult woman I ever met – and I worked with Charo. Now stop calling me.
Keith: The owls are the worst, Rueben. They’re like fucking paintings. No matter where I go there eyes seem to follow me everywhere. I think they’re out for me. And the shit. They shit on everything. I’ve gone through three jumpers this week alone.
Dave: Jesus, Keith….
Keith: (More huffing) And the humidity is playing Hell with my shag. I’m not happy, Reuben. You need to come down here and get me out of my contract. Send the bus Rueben, send the bus. What was that? (Screams)…Oh, never mind, it’s just my hand.
Dave: (Takes a deep breath) Keith, listen to me. I have never been your manager, your agent, your friend or particularly given a shit about you or your career. Now leave me alone, I’m expecting a call from Celebrity Apprentice.
Keith: (pause) For me? Am I being considered?
Dave: I’m hanging up Keith.
Keith: Thanks Reuben. I knew you’d come through. Send the bus, and I’ll start packing.
Keith: (Singing) I was sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream/ Like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking at my brain/Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head/And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread…
I think I love you!!!!!
Dave: Good Christ…(hangs up)
Stage Manager Enters: Two minutes Keith. And try not to swear this time, there are kids out there for fucks sake.
-submitted by Ram V.
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