Blow by Blow


Clive Cussler vs. the Cusslers
February 8, 2010, 7:56 pm
Filed under: Clive F. Cussler, Legacy Acts | Tags: ,

The Cussler men display the patented "Cussler Awkward Smile."

[Setting: Sunny Massachusetts beach.]

Clive: As the only Cussler of note here today —Sit down, Dirk!— I though I would make an opening statement welcoming you all to the 35th annual Cussler family reunion.

Most of you know me as the beloved author of a long string of nearly identical books. Some of you may know me as the litigious screenwriter behind such motion picture disasters as Raise the Titanic and Sahara.

Some of you may know me as “that asshole” who “cut you out of the will.”

Last but not least, some of you may know me as the victim of ruthless character assassination by a blogger who shall remain nameless.

Dirk: I know him as “dad!”

Clive: Sit down, Dirk!

As we prepare for a weekend of fun at my palatial estate, I would like to update you on a few things.

1. This year’s buffet is $8.95. I know this is an increase of $2 over last year, but with e-books, Wal-Mart, pirates and libraries, one needs to make up the difference somewhere. The Rolls-Royces won’t fuel themselves.

On a related note, I will no longer be offering an open bar. Instead we have a much more “closed” bar in place, staffed by surly New York nightclub bartenders who will be serving drinks with surly New York nightclub prices. In other words, be prepared to give up that whole $20 for a couple of domestic beers.

2. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed in my house or adjacent garage. I have several valuable and irreplaceable items stored inside, most of which were lifted from unfortunate seagoers and even occasionally from sunken ships.

If I find so much as a fingerprint on any of my fleet of Rolls-Royces, god help me, I will give the offending person a proper Viking burial. Oh, and no one is allowed to wear any watch or timepiece more ostentatious than mine. I will not be upstaged in group photos.

Clive Fucking Cussler displays what appears to be a Fucking Horse Trailer attached to a Fucking Rolls-Royce.

3. My latest shelf-filler, featuring NUMA hero Kurt Austin—

Dirk: Numa Numa, yeah! Numa Numa hey!

[Clive motions for Dirk’s caretakers, who swiftly administer a sedative.]

As I was saying, my latest eerily-familiar opus will be available for $15, nearly $10 off the suggested retail price. I suggest you take advantage of this offer as only Wal-Mart, Target and Amazon.com currently offer a better deal. It features water, boats, adventure and loads and loads of seamen!

Dirk: (Bursts into laughter, showering nearby Cusslers with Capri Sun.)

Clive: I am available to autograph these soon-to-be collector’s items for the low price of $10 a scrawl. Those who would prefer to have their Cussler keepsake festooned with stick figures in various sexual positions may bring their book to Dirk. There is no charge for his “contribution,” but you may want to appease him with Pixie Stix or Blow Pops or porn.

Once again, thank you all for coming. Dinner will be served at 6 pm, followed by a reading from my latest novel by noted thespian Levar Burton. Tickets are $22. Oh, and those looking for a truly uncomfortable Cussler experience should consider stopping by the jacuzzi around 11 pm, when I will be very naked and very drunk.

[Uncomfortable scattered applause and mutters of “This is bullshit.”]

-CLT

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40 Comments so far
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BRILLIANT !! LOL !!!

Comment by Nick Kitt

Thanks again, Nick.

The Cussler family reunions used to only have one rule: bring your wallet. It seems the changing times have also changed the rules.

The New York Times Review of Bullshit Parties and Other Such Ostentatiousness calls it “…fun in an expensive and vindictive bun!”

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

I love the witty banter between the fucker and the window licker almost as much as I’d love to see CFC drive drunk. Don’t ask me why I’d like to see him drive drunk, I just would. Shit like that amuses me to no end.

I was in a beach bar on Treasure Island one time and a group of 30 or 40 fat, white, red-faced, falling down drunk, alcoholics walked in. It turned out to be the Hemmingway look-a-likes. Seeing this family reunion somehow brought that memory back. Couldn’t tell you why…

Comment by Moses Tucker

Glad you dug the post, Moses (if that is your real name).

I would imagine the photo brought back the horrifying memory of being surrounded by white-haired men in various states of disrepair and drunkenness. Just like the Cussler family reunion.

Steer clear of the jacuzzi.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

WTF? I used that name on a comment a month ago and it still keeps coming back. I can’t figure it out.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

You’re so useless you can’t even get the make of car right…don’t like Cussler? Don’t read him. Figures Nick would find it funny the guys a confirmed Cussler hater and has been for years

Comment by Dirk Cussler

Hi Dirk Surprised you knew how to type because you’re sure as hell can’t write. What are you gonna have those pathetic Pitt twins do in the next story ? Polish Dad’s cars while he’s busy telling Dirk & Al what to do. Hey,whose the daddy of the twins anyway? We all know it can’t be Dirk ,but that never stopped another preposterous Cussler event. But what’s really preposterous is that this is just another silly Cussler reader pretending to be Clive’s son in a lame attempt to defend one of the worst writers around. But on the chance it is really Dirk,here’s some advice.
Stop writing and sell the older novels to the movies when you inherit the empire. By the way, I don’t hate your Daddy. Just what he does to the people that pay good money to read his tired old novels.

Comment by Nick Kitt

For someone who hates the man and considers him one of the worst writers around you certainly spend alot of time and energy around his forums.Fuck off idiot

Comment by Dirk Cussler

Yes, Dirk, you ARE your father’s son ! Now,let’s see, your Dad doesn’t know where Montreal is located (THE CHASE),does not know the language spoken in Brazil (POLAR SHIFT), has Dirk Pitt’s children immaculately conceived (VALHALLA RISING), and, among other stupid moves,files a breach of contract lawsuit where the jury finds HIM guilty of breach and fines him $20 million and I’M the idiot ? I don’t think so ! Now, I’m so sure that the real Dirk Cussler would be very upset that a Cussler fan (Mostly Heep) who names himself after one of the most despicable characters created by Dickens (or some piece of shit 70’s heavy metal British fag band–Take your pick)) is using his good family name. Tsk! tsk!,Rob,you ignorant and moronic asshole, you get dumber with each post. But, at least you represent the reason a hack like Cussler can sell so many books, so your utter lack of intelligence is serving SOME good. You’re one pathetic fuck-up,that’s for sure.

Comment by Nick Kitt

@ Dirk –

As was pointed out, you are merely “a” Dirk Cussler rather than “the” Dirk Cussler. The fact that the comment wasn’t in ALL CAPS should have been an immediate tipoff.

As for your “advice:”

I don’t like Cussler and I don’t read his books. They’re awful. However, I fail to see how not liking something means not being able to comment on it, or poke fun at it or wage full-scale war on it.

I don’t like Nickelback or listen to their music, but it hasn’t stopped me from wasting several thousands words explaining how much I hate them.

Vis a vis: what the fuck are you doing here? You don’t like what I write but yet you still read it and commented on it.

My humblest apology on the car error. I learned my fact-checking skills from “the Cus” himself.

Thanks for stopping by and arguing with Nick. It’s been very entertaining.

To be clear: Cussler may have been an author but those days are far behind him. Now he’s just a paper mill, putting his CLIVE CUSSLER 128-pt. stamp on anything crossing his desk with a picture of a boat on it.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Just a quick note for the Cusslerians visiting from here:

http://z4.invisionfree.com/CLIVE_CUSSLER/index.php?showtopic=5005

RE: the amount of time I spend bashing Cussler…

I have written 220+ posts over the past year (both here and at http://www.capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com) of which 3 have dealt with Clive F. Cussler (approx. 1.4% of my posts).

I’d hardly call that “alot” of time.

Now, hunting down some Cussler-bashing and agonizing over it… twice in three posts?

That’s about 67%.

P.S. I’ve got an autographed copy of FIRE ICE in my possession, but have yet to actually read a Cussler novel all the way through.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

BRAVO,Lion !! Although I would hardly describe what “a” Dirk Cussler was doing as “arguing”. More like a Cussler crybaby plying his trade,so to speak. “My fact checking skills from “the Cus” himself”!–I love it–LOL !!! May I make a suggestion? If you ever have a piece of furniture with a broken leg, that copy of FIRE ICE should work just fine.

Comment by Nick Kitt

My comments weren’t directed at you they were towards Nick
Have you ever read a Cussler book lion tamer?

Comment by Dirk Cussler

See,Lion, This guy can’t read. You plainly state you never read a Cussler novel all the way through,that you don’t read his books because they are awful and he asks you if you ever read a Cussler book. LOL ! He represents the average Cussler reader.
I rest my case. LOL !!

Comment by Nick Kitt

OK, I may has misinterpreted your comments at your forum, but I figured they were about me considering you linked to my post.

To reiterate: No. I have not read a Cussler book. I have paged thru a few. I can see where this is going but I’ll go ahead and let it develop.

You may have noticed that I haven’t directly insulted the Cussler fans, just Cussler himself.

However much “anger” Nick releases, there seems to be at least as much coming back from your board.

“Waste of sperm.” That’s pretty clever. (I’ll concede the “waste of bandwidth.”)

I don’t get this kind of bile from the Nickelback fans, but I assume that’s because they don’t know how to read.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Holy cow Nick Kitt you should really take some anger management courses.that’s not healthy at all.

Comment by machismo

Anger management ?!? LOL !!!

Surely you jest,machismo. This is fun !!

Comment by Nick Kitt

Lion, since I have been banned from CLIVE CUSSLER FORUM, I don’t know what’s going on there nor care. Someone called you, or me, a “waste of sperm”? Now, you understand the nature of that board. They ban someone and then talk behind his back. Poke some fun and the venom spews and then they accuse you of starting it. Thanks for a little back up there.They are the biggest bunch of hypocritical malcontent shut-ins the Internet has ever known. If I were Cussler, I would be appalled at the nature of my fans represented on that board. But since you accurately pegged Cussler as a “paper mill”,I’m sure he’s only interested in taking their money for his retreaded novels.Careful,Lion,or they will ban you–LOL !!!

Comment by Nick Kitt

“My comments weren’t directed at you they were towards Nick”

Now how can your comments be directed towards me if I can’t even read them having being banned from your so-called open minded site ? The mind boggles!

Comment by Nick Kitt

And yet you’ve posted as a guest…how very intelligent of you tpo figure out how to use the smilies.

Comment by Dirk Cussler

Of course I posted as a guest. You banned me. You people don’t like the truth or even corrective criticism. Oh,BTW, I didn’t work the smiles, I worked the “sneers”, which got my point across very well at your little cub scout jamboree. So yes, I visiting a friend and thought I would check how the CLIVE CUSSLER FORUM circle jerk was coming along, especially after Lion’s post about all the sweet things you guys were saying about me. My,my, you DO miss me–LOL !!! Seems like you losers DO have a sense of humor after all. Now,Dirk seems appalled at the harsh words I sent in his direction,yet it is he who is so filled with bile. But that’s OK because he knows what kind of guy he really is and tries to push off his shortcomings on others. Loren 1 called me a “waste of sperm” without realizing that the best part of her ran down her daddy’s leg and that the only friends she has are on a website. The others mention that even though I’m negative,I have read all the books. Wrong again,Einstein. All you have to do is read ONE and you read EVERYTHING Cussler ever wrote, especially if you like your stories with cockeyed facts and twisted reality. But basically,it’s just the general tone of that website where it’s inhabitants gather around and insult people behind their backs.The reason I enjoy Lion’s Cussler posts is that they are so right on and most of his fans have no idea what kind of guy they worship. Lion sees right though Cussler’s hypocrisy and his utter disregard for his fans who, obviously, have no clue. So, please, visit that site for a good laugh.

Comment by Nick Kitt

Wow, let me just grab a coffee… this is fucking great!

Comment by Scott Oglesby

A QUOTE FOR EVERY FORUM…

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to
see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Comment by Nick Kitt

So Nick, are you saying that “Some people are so dumb they’re smart & others are so smart they’re dumb”?

Comment by MountainDove

No, I think he’s saying that some people are Johnny-on-the-spot while others show up at the pissing contest well after the urine is dried and the contestants disinterested.

(I’m really hoping this rebuttal didn’t take you over a year to think up. Touche… I guess.)

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Well,Scott, grab a cup of your finest French Roast and have a seat and you will learn something about Clive Cussler, The Grand Mucus Of Adventure !!!

Comment by Nick Kitt

Not to break up the banter-like commentary here, but I only get around 20 minutes of slow-speed internet access a day, so I have to get right to the “meat and potatoes” (or should I say ¨Cussler and Dirk”).

This made me laugh like nobody’s business, CLT. (Not even the business of the German guy beside me, looking over like I ate his baby just because my “giggles” sound more like “guffaws”…or the sound a dying cat would make, if you will.)

Believe it or not, Cussler is big here in Guatemala. He`s like the “go to guy” for easy travel reading of something.

And just so you know, every time I see one of Cussler`s books sitting on the 80% off rack in the second-hand bookstore, begging to be bought by some rich foreigner–who, if not for the fact it was the only English book they could find wouldn`t have given it a second glance–and turned into a Hollywood Blockbuster, I think of you.

For real.

Comment by bschooled

B!

Sorry to have used up your 20 minutes with all this banter. You bring up “Cussler” these days and all hell breaks loose. Of course, it’s my own personal hell so I don’t mind it.

Thanks for the props (am I using that right?), bschooled. I’m pleased to note that Cussler still has some pull in the Third World. They also buy up the Bible like no one’s business so perhaps they just have a thing for bloated stuff written by white men.

Good to see you again, however briefly. Careful on those Cussler “blockbusters.” He’s only had a hand in two flops at this point. Unless you’re running some sort of “The Producers” scam, you’ll probably want to steer clear.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

LOL !!! That’s right, Lion, and that “blockbuster” can be called “TREASURE CHEST LAWSUIT” which tells the story of a writer with a retarded son who sells his seafaring adventure novel to the movies for enough money to give his son a decent life. But when he finds out they are going to use an all midget cast and make it a musical, he hires a shifty lawyer to sue. Laughter and chaos ensue,especially at the end when the jury finds the writer guilty of the very charges he files and the lawyer takes the rest of the author’s money AND the son for payment. He sells the son to the circus. The son becomes a big star and comes home to his dad,whose now selling tickets for boat rides to submarines he pretends to have discovered. After a joyous reunion,they join forces and sail the seven seas in big purple ships.

Sounds great !! Where do I sign ?

Comment by Nick Kitt

Nicely done, Nick. I’d pay to watch that movie, possibly more than once.

My favorite part: “…selling tickets for boat rides to submarines he pretends to have discovered.” That’s fucking funny.

The z4 board still seems to be checking in now and then, and if I recall correctly (and I’ll have to wing it as the thread has been shut down), I was referred to as an “attention-seeking asshole.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I can think of better ways to draw page views than verbally smacking around Clive. (Perhaps someone current. Or boobs.) But according to whoever said that, sucker-punching has-beens must be “the new black.”

Crank that script out, Nick. If nothing else, there’s probably a lawsuit in it.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

“Nicely done, Nick. I’d pay to watch that movie, possibly more than once.”

Watch it ?!? I was hoping you’d accept the part of the writer !! BTW, know anyone who can do a good Groucho Marx for the lawyer ?

“My favorite part: “…selling tickets for boat rides to submarines he pretends to have discovered.” That’s fucking funny.”

Thank you ! Good humor is ALWAYS based in truth,something the Cussheads can’t understand.

“The z4 board still seems to be checking in now and then,”

They DO need a touch of reality…

“and if I recall correctly (and I’ll have to wing it as the thread has been shut down),”

Not surprising since they are such hypocrites of free speech with nothing but a lead finger on the delete button. I guess they never read Scott Fitzgerald.

“I was referred to as an “attention-seeking asshole.”

Well, since they have devoted their lives and website to one and drink from the water he walks on,perhaps you should consider that a compliment.

“Maybe it’s just me, but I can think of better ways to draw page views than verbally smacking around Clive.”

Of course you can !! What they will never understand is that you are providing a public service for those stupid blind morons.

“(Perhaps someone current. Or boobs.)”

Hey,as far as “boobs” are concerned,you cover Cussler’s little boy just fine…

But according to whoever said that, sucker-punching has-beens must be “the new black.”

Nonsense ! Cussler is nothing but a glory seeking millionaire who has,on occasion,referred to devoted fans as “loathsome toads” (unchallenged testimony in SAHARA TRIAL) and is dismissive of the fan base in general, although they don’t know it. He is a huge hot air balloon that deserves to have needles poked into it.

“Crank that script out, Nick. If nothing else, there’s probably a lawsuit in it.”

Now wouldn’t that be grand !!!

Comment by Nick Kitt

Over the last 3 years, Clive Cussler moved from being a hack writer of unbelievable and frantic but charming pulp into a money making factory production. One gets the impression that instead of writing a book every 18 months, he now sits in steering committee meetings with ghost writers to produce 4 to 5 books a year.

Lets face it, none of his work was ever highbrow, but unfortunately, in the last few books, this has moved from being a charming pastiche in the style of 60’s James Bond books into corporate franchised factory output. The one thing that has been removed is that spark that was Cussler, which has been replaced by decisions being made by a focus-group and steering committees resulting in the characters which are even more 2-dimensional and storylines more formulaic.

“Ok, is this one about the guy with `piercing opaline eyes and a shock of thick black hair and the stereotypical Mediterranean partner that women just can’t resist’ or is it one about the guy with the `piercing blue eyes and a shock of thick white hair and the stereotypical Mediterranean partner that women just can’t resist’. Damn, I’m getting confused. Can we give one of them a prosthetic leg so that I can tell them apart?”

I blame Cussler particularly. After all, 90% of writers search for the formula and seek to repeat it as often as the public will buy. And Cussler does ad nauseum. Its just that the latest books don’t feel they have any of Cussler in them, not that was necessarily a good thing, except on the title page and the price tag.

And people let Cussler get away with crap. Every character in his books are stereotypical and the storyline was thin and predictable. My only surprise was that a Chinese baddie didn’t say `Ah so’ and have a girlfriend called Lotus blossom.

I look forward to the Cussler franchise branching out into Kurt Austin Tequila, Jose Cabrillo mood music and Clive Cussler toilet paper, which would be my favorite, personally.

Comment by Nick Kitt

Nick-

That is the most deadon deconstruction of C.F. Cussler I’ve seen in awhile. Thanks for that. It covers everything I would have said if only I could be bothered to update this blog more freqeuently.

That’s my biggest issue with Cussler: he’s just phoning it in. It’s bad enough when you choose to traffic in cliches (no matter how entertaining or genre-specific). It’s another thing when you can’t be bothered to write those cliches yourself.

I envision the Cussler Compound as having two garages: one marked “Expensive Automobiles” and the other marked “Writers.”

I would imagine one garage gets all of his attention and the other is filled with the sound of a thousand monkey-operated typewriters, supervised closely by Dirk and Paul K. And by supervised, I mean Dirk getting into shit-fights with the simians and Paul drinking himself into a coma.

Thanks again for the steady business, Nick. As the naval guys say, “I like the cut of your jib.”

Oh, and “seamen” makes for some easy boating jokes which can always be used to add some levity to the Cussler-bashing.

In case you’re wondering where I’ve been, I spend an inordinate amount of time writing at my original blog:

http://www.capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Thanks,Lion, and no prob !!! By the way, have you considered my idea to play the Cussler-esque writer in TREASURE CHEST LAWSUIT ?? You’d be great,assuming your work in TRUE BLOOD (right?) is any indication. I’m sure you know someone to do Groucho as Rufus Flywheel–LOL !!! Anyway, always a pleasure to give Cussler shit because no one, frankly, deserves it more. Thanks for the back-up and the podium. Much appreciated. I’ll bookmark your blog. Now, I can see you, as “Jive Hussler”(the character in the film), pretending to be a drooling old man on the witness stand, in the highlight of the film, the trial scene. I’m sure you can sink your teeth into the role. I can see the golden statuette now.

Comment by Nick Kitt

From the NUMA website, “The Adventure Continues”
by Betty Webb…..

“Cussler’s famous sense of humor is evident in the furnishings, too. Sitting on a bench in the living room is Cussler’s very own Mini-Me, an almost life- sized dummy crafted to look just like the writer. One of Cussler’s favorite pastimes is to hide behind a door and speak into a microphone, making little Mini-Me blow raspberries as startled visitors pass by.

“God, I love this,” Cussler chuckles, as one visitor fairly leaps into the air. Cussler’s more-than-6-foot frame shakes with laughter.”

My goodness, he even cameos in his own house—LOL !!!

Comment by Nick Kitt

Thanks for that, Nick. That’s classic stuff. Who among us wouldn’t do that in same position? (Provided that position was self-absorbed asshole.)

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

NEW BULLSHIT EVENT OF THE YEAR !!!!

“2010 CLIVE CUSSLER COLLECTOR’S SOCIETY CONVENTION
Scottsdale, Arizona”

(After all, we wouldn’t want Clive to drive too far…)

“The Clive Cussler Collector’s Society is proud to announce its sixth annual Convention. This years event will be held in Scottsdale, Arizona on September 10-11-12 of 2010.”

(Just in time to hawk some new books)

“We’re still in the planning stages for this years convention. The date, city and loaction is confirmed so you can mark your calendar and make plans. Information regarding the program will be forthcoming.”

(Can’t wait !! Is Clive bringing his Mini-Me?)

“Open to the public”

(There oughta be a law)

“CONVENTION LOCATION

The Millennium Resort
Scottsdale, McCormick Ranch
7401 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ 85253
480-948-5050 (main phone)”

(Plenty of parking for Clive’s cars)

“Lodging is not included in your Convention ticket price.”

(Of course not. This is a cheap ass Cussler affair)

“Our room block rate is $108.00 per night + tax and fees (Standard 2 Double Beds).”

(Wow—Bring the whole family. But then again,why would you ?)

“Please make your reservations early to guarantee your room.”

(You wouldn’t want to miss out watching Clive walk on water)

“You can make your room reservation on line using the web link below:
ON LINE RESERVATIONS Change date and select “check availability”. Select room and reserve. For room upgrades, you’ll need to call the Millennium Resort reservation department (below).”

(Hurry, the phone lines are scorching hot!!)

“You can also call the Millennium Resort Reservation Coordinator direct, M- F 8-5 (mountain standard time) at 480.367.2477. Be sure to mention that you are with the Clive Cussler Collector’s Society Convention.”

(That and a dollar gets you a steaming cup of coffee)

“TICKETS

TO BE ANNOUNCED. TICKETS WILL GO ON SALE APRIL 1st 2010”

(April Fool’s Day !! How appropriate!! They know suckers when they see them !!!)

“Tickets for the 2010 Clive Cussler Collector’s Society Convention in Scottsdale, AZ. can only be purchased through the Clive Cussler Collector’s Society official web site at:www.cusslersociety.com.”

(So we can charge a service fee to help Clive pay for Dirk’s medication and all his lawyers.)

“Tickets purchased from third parties will not be honored!”

(That’s OK–We know you have no honor anyway)

“EVENTS

TO BE ANNOUNCED”

(I’m giddy with excitement!)

“Your convention ticket price includes but is not limited to;”

(Buying the ticket in itself is a limit on sanity)

“Friday night reception with Clive Cussler and Special Guests;”

(A BBQ with the Cussler clan where you can watch Clive yell at all the writers and try to explain the social significance of his latest creation,the Fargoes)

“Saturday morning’s meeting with Special Guest Speakers;”

(This year–Bert Fields and his lecture,”Anatomy Of An Appeal”)

“Saturday night Buffet Dinner including raffle’s and book signing event.”

(Clive is raffling the suit he wore at the SAHARA trial and his copy of Lee Spence’s signed book that told Clive where to find the Hunley.)

“Thursday September 9th, 2010”

(What ? Another fucking day ?!?)

“7:00 PM – Kick-Off dinner for early attendees. This is an event for attendees who show up early and is not included in your ticket price.”

(Of course not !! Far be it from old Clive to spring for a dinner for the devoted)

“Everyone is welcome and encouraged to attend.”

(Provided you got the cash to line Clive’s pockets)

“Dinner will be at 7:00 PM at a nearby location yet to be announced.”

(It won’t be Clive’s house,that’s for sure !!)

“Friday September 10th, 2010”

(Surely you people have better things to do by now)

“7:00 AM – 7:00 PM – CCCS registration/meeting/sales room open. This room will be open during the entire weekend.”

(Ca-Chinge $$$$$$$$)

“It may be closed during short periods throughout the day, and those times will be posted at the door. Contact information will be in your convention program”

(Don’t worry–We’ll give you plenty of time to spend your cash and make Clive even richer !!)

“7:00 PM – 10:00 PM – Meet and Greet Clive Cussler and our Special Guests.”

(Sigh! Be still my beating heart!!)

“no-host bar (cash bar).”

(This asshole can’t even buy a round of drinks,for Christ’s sake!!)

“Saturday, September 11th, 2010”

(Oh, get some lives,people !!)

“7:00 AM – 6:00 PM – CCCS registration/meeting room open.”

(What are you registering for now ?!?)

“8:30 AM – 12:00 PM – Guest speakers.”

(Oh–THAT’S what. Thought Clive was descending from the sky on a chariot)

“6:00 PM – 11:30 PM -Our Buffet Dinner dinner with assigned seating will begin at 6:00 and dinner will be served at 6:30.”

(Hurry or the KFC will get cold)

“After dinner, Wayne Valero will make acknowledgments, announcements and raffle prizes. The winner of the 2010 Adventure Writers’ Competition will then be announced by Kerry Frey. After our Guest Speaker (to be announced), we’ll have a short break then start the book signing event.”

(I’m breathless!!!)

“No-host bar (cash bar).”

(STILL not buying drinks)

“Sunday, September 12th, 2010”

(Oh–Go home already)

“8:00 AM – 12:00 PM – CCCS registration/meeting room open.”

(What kind of loser is in a CCCS registration room at 8 AM ?!?)

“Final Dinner.- (On your own with remaining attendees)”

(On your own with the losers, you mean !!)

“These scheduled events are not limited to this initial listing and are subject to change.”

(Much like Clive’s novels in the middle of a chapter)

*”The CCCS reserves the right to refuse admission to anyone for any reason.”

(The Cussler family motto !!!)

Comment by Nick Kitt

Thanks for the info Nick. I wasn’t plan on going, but you have made it sound so good, I wouldn’t miss it. Cheers -will u be there?

Comment by MountainDove

It’s a parenthetical breakdown that really makes this piece of Cusslerian detritus sing. Thanks again for your tireless research, Nick. You make us all proud not to be named Cussler.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Thank you, Lion, a compliment from a master is a compliment indeed. Thank you !!

By the way, are you the sleezy parole officer currently on 24 ?? If so, great character work. If not, never mind–LOL !! You can let me know on my email…..

Comment by Nick Kitt




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