Blow by Blow


Martin Scorsese vs. Hollywood
March 6, 2010, 9:16 pm
Filed under: Hollywood | Tags: , ,

The most talented eyebrows in Hollywood.

 

[Martin Scorsese (whom we’ll call “Marty” so we can pretend to be on a first-name basis with him) is looking for some help “punching up” his latest script. The calls begin to roll in. Let’s listen.] 

Marty: Hello?
David Mamet: Marty. It looks like you pretty much have “fuck” nailed down. I’m not sure what I could add. Perhaps a few “cunts?”
Marty: That’s exactly what Mike Leigh said. I’ll consider it.
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Quentin Taratino: Marty? Quentin. Look. Here’s the shot: camera pans low across the blacktop. Music comes up. Something funky and sexy from the ’70s. Shit-hot chick steps out of a muscle car. I’m talking brick shithouse in Blowup hot. Short shorts. Fro? Maybe. Camera starts a slow pan up, lingering on her luscious toes with red nails in some black sandals—
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Steven King: I’ve got “fuckadoodledoo,” “fuckarooni,” “fuckashimsham,” “fuckabobanna”—
Marty: You realize nobody has ever talked like that, right? Never. Ever.
Steven King: Well. Then obviously you’ve never been to Maine. Why, my boyhood friends used to ride our bikes—
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Guy Ritchie: Here’s what I’ve got: camera pans low across the blacktop. Music comes up. Something funky and sexy from the ’70s. Shit-hot chick steps out of a muscle car. I’m talking brick shithouse in Blowup hot. Short shorts. Fro? Maybe. Camera starts a slow pan up, lingering on her luscious toes with red nails in some black sandals—
Marty: Quentin, I already turned you down.
Guy Ritchie: This is Guy Ritchie.
Marty: Bullshit. Work on your accent, Quentin. It’s terrible.
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Mel Gibson: Shit’s coming loose here, Marty. I really need a drink.
Marty: I’m not your sponsor, Mel. Joy Behar is. I don’t know why you keep calling me.
Mel Gibson: [Drunken gurgling.]
Marty: Mel. Mel. Have another.
Mel Gibson: Really?
Marty: The fuck do I care.
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
David Hasselhoff: Marty, I really need a drink.
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Michael Mann: Marty, I think you should shoot in pure digital. Film’s going the way of the CD. Day for night, that’s the key.
Marty: Mike, I’m looking for help with the script, not the cinematography.
Michael Mann: Sell your film stock, Marty. Day for night!
Marty: You sound like Lars von Trier. “Day for night.” “Masking tape for walls.” “Imagination through abuse.” I’ve got Tony Scott telling me to shoot in 8mm, project it on a wall and film the projection. This I don’t need.
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
Gregg Araki: I think we change the leads to bisexual and the rest writes itself. The dynamic shifts to the road-relationship—
Marty: Who’s “we?” And how the fuck did you get a copy of the script?
[Click]  

Marty: Hello?
David Lynch: I got the script, Marty. I think it’s swell. Great job.
Marty: [slowly] OK… Thanks, David.
[Long silence.]
Marty: You still there?
David Lynch: I’m still here, Marty.
[Longer silence.]
Marty: Was there anything else?
David Lynch: No, Marty. I’m just listening…
[Slightly shorter long silence.]
Marty: I’m going to hang up, ok?
David Lynch: That’d be fine. 

[Sudden buildup of industrial noise, fading into television static. A muffled “hello?” Indistinguishable dialogue. Marty’s desk light begins to flicker wildly. Fade to black.] 

-CLT

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6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Marty…Marty…its Larry David…Marty? Oh this God damn voicemail shit….MARTY? Why don’t you have a message on your cell? What kind of a pompous Italian shmuck doesn’t have a message? There was just a faint beeeep, I don’t even know if it was a beeb or it was a passing car. Anyway I have an ide Beep.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

Enter code? Do I have a code? Marla? Did you set this up? I can’t… this… beep beep beedoobeep. “Flash?” Jesus. I don’t need this fucking thing. Fuck it.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

Marty, Larry David. Your machine cut me off. What the hell kind of asshole are you, you fucking asshole. Listen Marty, you need a Jew. A bald, funny Jew. It’s all you need….maybe you could even have the Jew get blown up? Oh, you’ve done that. Well, just do it again. Listen; just call me when you get in. I hate these fucking voicemail things, I don’t even know if the god da Beep.

Comment by Scott Oglesby

Larry-

Marty here. Sorry to keep missing you. I just checked my voicemail and I heard your discombobulated ranting. As much as I’d like to hear your insights on this script, I’d like it even more if you’d pretend we never had this conversation.

I’m already pretending we haven’t. Say hi to Jerry for me.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer

I just found your blog and thoroughly enjoyed reading this, even if I did need a fucking magnifying glass for the 0.01 text size

Comment by RubyTwoShoes

Ruby-

Thanks for the visit and my apologies for the font size. I like the template but it does get a little hard on the eyes after a while. I’ll see if WordPress can keep me stocked in fucking magnifying glasses, so as to annoy the readers slightly less.

Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer




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