Blow by Blow

Pete Doherty vs. Oasis
December 5, 2009, 10:00 pm
Filed under: Liam Gallagher, Pete Doherty | Tags: , , , ,
Pete Doherty, out of rehab (again) and feeling well-rested and inspired, seeks out the Oasis brothers for a possible collaboration. After several calls to his local drug dealer (stupid muscle memory!) Doherty finally reaches the Gallagher compound…

(After what feels like interminable ringing, a disgruntled and barely sober Liam Gallagher answers.)

Liam: Hullo?

Pete: ‘Ey, Pete here. How’s things?

Liam: Whom? Pete, you said?

Pete: Er, yes. Pete. Pete Doherty. Libertines? Babyshambles?

Liam: Dunno no “Pete.” Are you a musician?

Pete: Yes, yes. Libertines and et cetera. Bit of a druggie.

Liam: Oy, you fancy yerself a druggie, eh?

Pete: A bit, a bit. Several rehab visits. Nothing’s really “taken,” though…

Liam: Pete… Pete…

Pete: Oh, and I’m banging Kate Moss.

Liam: Pete! Oy, I thought you was dead!

Pete: No such luck. Doctors are doing amazing things with hypos and electric paddle-things and whatnot. Couldn’t be relatively healthier, actually.

Liam: Ah. The doctors. They have their ways, those daft bastards.

Pete: I was wondering if you’d like to pop out to the studio and have a go at a couple of tracks…

Liam: For what? Some Oasis thing?

Pete: No, this would be for a Babyshambles track. I’m looking for some guest vocals.

Liam: Fook that! All music is cunts! Why should I play on your Baby thing when I am all of the Beatles here in Oasis?

Pete: Are you serious? When the fuck did you last put out something good?

Liam: It’s not about the fooking records. It’s about the music. You’ll never get cos yer not in Oasis.

Pete: I believe NME just listed me in the top 5 artists—

Liam: Fook NME! All press are cunts! I shit ’em! Aaaarghhhhh!

(A pause while Liam rants and growls…)

Pete: Wait a minute… is this Liam?

Liam: Of course it’s fooking Liam. Who the fook did—

Pete: I was trying to get ahold of Noel. You know, the one who can actually write music?

Liam: Wot? Oy, you bastard! Have at you! Cunt!

(Lots of cursing and sounds of a struggle as Liam viciously attacks the phone.)

Pete: Hello? HELLO?

Liam: Cunts!… Oasis!… Fookin’ Beatles!!!

(Noel arrives to find his brother breathlessly swearing at the phone, which he has pinned to the ground.)

Noel: What’s all this then?

Liam: Some cunt is bad-mouthing Oasis.

Noel: Wot??!! Let me at ‘im!!!

(More sounds of a struggle as Noel aids Liam in viciously pummelling the receiver. Pete hangs up.)


Liam: Fook! Hit ‘im again!

Noel: Arsing cunthole!

(Phone continues to receive beating until the Gallagher brothers tire of this activity and opt to beat each other instead.)