Blow by Blow

Combatants (Updated 01/13)
Pete Doherty prepares for the "comedown" by removing shirt, dignity, irises.

Doherty braces for the comedown by removing shirt, dignity, irises.

Pete Doherty
Musician. Drug user. Kate Moss afficionado. Drug afficionado. Living proof that rehab does not work. Poster boy for the “War on Drugs,” because if drugs are available, stupid people will use them and do even stupider stuff.   

Here’s what we know:
– He stole and pawned loads of his roommate and bandmate’s personal property during his early days with the Libertines.
– He took photos of Kate Moss doing cocaine and sold them to the nearest tabloid.
– Google Image Search runs about 50% All Fucked Up/ 50% Exiting Rehab.
– He likes hats.   

There is no indication that anything is going on “up there.” If there is any sort of gleam in his eye, it can only be found in the “Exiting Rehab” photos as his de-fogged brain looks for the nearest opportunity to score.   


Jack restrains himself from twirling his moustache deviously.

Jack White
Lead singer of the White Stripes. Possible brother of Meg White. Possible husband of Meg White. Possible defiler of Meg White.   

Purveyor of stripped-down rock, using the limitations of a single guitar and a terrible drummer. Known for his quick temper and “crazy” eyes. Also known for beating the shit out of the Von Bondies’ lead singer on more than one occasion.   

Likes black, white, red and long walks on the beach.   


Oasis: coasting by with neither good looks nor charm.

Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher (Oasis)
If the Gallagher brothers told you they didn’t form a band to get laid, you’d laugh right in their misshapen faces.   

Ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside, the Gallagher brothers have formed an antagonistic (but not very united) front against anyone and everyone who is not either a.) Liam or b.) Noel. When they’re not slagging every other band out there, they’re busy beating each other up or assaulting random journalists and photographers.   

Convinced that they are God’s gift to rock and roll, the Gallagher brothers have released a multitude of albums with rapidly diminishing results. We all remember the nonsensical Wonderwall and perhaps a track or two from another album, but Britain gets a new “big thing” approximately every twenty minutes.   

All that remains at this point is two egos that can only fit thru an open hangar door if they walk single-file. Godspeed, misanthropes.   


Chad "Penis" Kroeger models his latest look, which calls to mind the lovechild of David Lee Roth and Art Alexakis.

Chad “Penis” Kroeger
Head mouth of the much-(and correctly)-maligned Nickelback, Kroeger has managed to prove two points:  

1. Many, many people still crave that “Bush/Creed/Candlebox” sound and;
2. 30 million people can be wrong.  

No doubt rolling in money and blessed with fair skin, Chad “Penis” Kroeger is noted for diluting the rock talent pool and being so inane that “Penis” is the cleverest nickname that any of us could come up with for him. The nadir of rock’s blandest attributes, Chad and his Nickelbacks still tour and release albums to this day, despite the animosity of critics and bloggers worldwide.  

What does this prove? Only that Nickelback fans can’t read.  


Nothing says "short-lived infatuation" like coordinating do-rags.

Britney Spears
Living proof of the Mickey Mouse Club and the damage done, Ms. Spears has watched her star rise and fade, inextricably tied to her on-again/off-again relationship with her sanity. 

Presented early in her career as a freshly-scrubbed virgin that creepy middle-aged men wanted a piece of, before becoming a slightly less squeaky clean virgin that Justin Timberlake might have gotten a piece of, until, finally, becoming a used-up pop star that nobody wanted a piece of. 

Twice-married. Twice-divorced. Twice-impregnated.  Twice-kissed on MTV be pop stars with better career arcs and less baggage. 

Currently resides somewhere in the lower-middle of America’s collective pop unconscious. 

Kevin Federline
Existing solely to prop up genre conventions by being the token straight dancer who is plucked from obscurity and romanced briefly by his den mother/pop star before being returned to the scrap heap and left to fend for himself. These attempts to survive in the “wild” will often include such activities as banging skanky club chicks and packing on 25-40 lbs. 

Apparently has fairly motile sperm and often mistakenly refers to himself as an “artist.” 



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