Blow by Blow

Clive Cussler vs. the Cusslers
February 8, 2010, 7:56 pm
Filed under: Clive F. Cussler, Legacy Acts | Tags: ,

The Cussler men display the patented "Cussler Awkward Smile."

[Setting: Sunny Massachusetts beach.]

Clive: As the only Cussler of note here today —Sit down, Dirk!— I though I would make an opening statement welcoming you all to the 35th annual Cussler family reunion.

Most of you know me as the beloved author of a long string of nearly identical books. Some of you may know me as the litigious screenwriter behind such motion picture disasters as Raise the Titanic and Sahara.

Some of you may know me as “that asshole” who “cut you out of the will.”

Last but not least, some of you may know me as the victim of ruthless character assassination by a blogger who shall remain nameless.

Dirk: I know him as “dad!”

Clive: Sit down, Dirk!

As we prepare for a weekend of fun at my palatial estate, I would like to update you on a few things.

1. This year’s buffet is $8.95. I know this is an increase of $2 over last year, but with e-books, Wal-Mart, pirates and libraries, one needs to make up the difference somewhere. The Rolls-Royces won’t fuel themselves.

On a related note, I will no longer be offering an open bar. Instead we have a much more “closed” bar in place, staffed by surly New York nightclub bartenders who will be serving drinks with surly New York nightclub prices. In other words, be prepared to give up that whole $20 for a couple of domestic beers.

2. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed in my house or adjacent garage. I have several valuable and irreplaceable items stored inside, most of which were lifted from unfortunate seagoers and even occasionally from sunken ships.

If I find so much as a fingerprint on any of my fleet of Rolls-Royces, god help me, I will give the offending person a proper Viking burial. Oh, and no one is allowed to wear any watch or timepiece more ostentatious than mine. I will not be upstaged in group photos.

Clive Fucking Cussler displays what appears to be a Fucking Horse Trailer attached to a Fucking Rolls-Royce.

3. My latest shelf-filler, featuring NUMA hero Kurt Austin—

Dirk: Numa Numa, yeah! Numa Numa hey!

[Clive motions for Dirk’s caretakers, who swiftly administer a sedative.]

As I was saying, my latest eerily-familiar opus will be available for $15, nearly $10 off the suggested retail price. I suggest you take advantage of this offer as only Wal-Mart, Target and currently offer a better deal. It features water, boats, adventure and loads and loads of seamen!

Dirk: (Bursts into laughter, showering nearby Cusslers with Capri Sun.)

Clive: I am available to autograph these soon-to-be collector’s items for the low price of $10 a scrawl. Those who would prefer to have their Cussler keepsake festooned with stick figures in various sexual positions may bring their book to Dirk. There is no charge for his “contribution,” but you may want to appease him with Pixie Stix or Blow Pops or porn.

Once again, thank you all for coming. Dinner will be served at 6 pm, followed by a reading from my latest novel by noted thespian Levar Burton. Tickets are $22. Oh, and those looking for a truly uncomfortable Cussler experience should consider stopping by the jacuzzi around 11 pm, when I will be very naked and very drunk.

[Uncomfortable scattered applause and mutters of “This is bullshit.”]