Blow by Blow


Britney Spears vs. K-Fed vs. the State of California
[Who likes failed celebrity marriages? We all do. And we’d better since that’s the only kind they make.
But what of the fallout from these disastrous cohabitations? Won’t someone please, please, PLEASE think of the children?
In a word: no.]

To set the scene, here's some adequate second-unit footage.

Judge: Ms. Spears, Mr. Federline: In accordance with state law and your mutual ineptness, we are set to review the court’s custody decision, which most recently found in favor of former dancer and impressario, Kevin Federline. The court has also noted that precedent was set with this ruling, having been the first time the State of California has awarded custody to a person or persons listing “Dancer” as their occupation.

Inasmuch as this is an actual court of law, rather than the court of public opinion—

Ms. Spears? Did you just text me?

Ms. Spears: Yeah, Miss Judge. How is this going to take? I have a photo shoot for Teen Mother Jones in an hour?

Judge: I’ll ignore your multiple counts of contempt for the moment. “I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT SRSLY” Would you care to explain that to me? (Britney reaches for her phone.)

Judge: With your mouth, not your phone.

Ms. Spears: It. The kid. I can take care of it.

Judge. You have two children, Ms. Spears and they have names, I would hope. Mr. Federline?

K-Fed: Yep, boss. They sure do. “Little K” and “Shiner Bock.”

Judge: I sincerely doubt that. And please refer to me as “Your Honor.” Ms. Spears, your cell phone privileges are revoked until the end of this session. Mr. Federline, you said you had a statement prepared?

K-Fed: Right here, My Honor.

(Hands judge two sheets of folded notebook paper upon which is drawn a happy stick-figure family waving money around with big smiles on their faces. The sun is also smiling.)

Judge: This is highly unusual… for an adult. Normally a statement would include words and be typed.

K-Fed: (Chokes up.) I spent so much time dancing I never learned to read and write!

(Breaks into huge girlish sobs and soft-shoes his way back to his seat. The judge’s phone goes off.)

New Message!: GOT2GO KTHX

K-Fed: (Sobs quietly.)

Judge: Based on what I’ve experienced today, I am remanding custody of your two children to Miss Diana Ross, where it is hoped that they will be in slightly better hands.

Mr. Federline, you are remanded to the custodial care of your supervisors at United Fruit Packaging. Ms. Spears, I am holding you in contempt of court—

Publicist: Your honor, Ms. Spears is on her way to a photo shoot. I will be more than happy to serve her sentence for her.

Judge: (Glares in annoyance as phone alerts her to a new message.)

 

-CLT